In a funk today...

I don't know what it is about today, but I am just in a funk...I guess it's just one of those crappy down in the dumps kind of day. I'm thankful that these types of days don't come around very often...in fact it's been months since I've had a funky day. But boy do that stink. You know one of those days where everything just feels crappy and wrong. I guess I'm not sure how to explain it so that it makes sense. Today I feel like I've been mean to my kiddo; too hard on my kiddo; mean/uncaring to my hubby; mean to my dogs; impatient with my pt's at work; annoyed by my coworkers...yea you get the point...I could go on and on. Now that it is night time I'm sitting here feeling guilty for having an off day....who would have guessed that I feel bad for something that probably was not as awful as I am imagining it to be. I think it started with a cranky toddler this morning, followed by a hubby who was complaining about having to get up 15 min early to help clean up the house for open house, a day full of pt's that didn't want to work with me or who were too ill to do so, then I come home to a still cranky toddler, our open house was canceled, having a sore throat, hearing that my mother in law had to put their old dog to sleep, and finally watching tropical storm after tropical storm lining up to hit our vacation spot...sigh.

Mackenzie: I'm not sure I'm going to make it through the screaming crying hanging on your leg temper tantrums. I know I need to not play into it, but how in the world to you ignore it completely? It breaks your heart and ticks you off all at the same time. I know she does not understand why we tell her no sometimes or why she can't throw water on the floor, but she has to learn that there are rules that have to be followed in our house. But that doesn't make watching her cry her little eyes out and throw herself on the floor any easier. But in the same sense I want to grab her and tell her to just be quiet...yea I know that doesn't work, but it runs through my head at the same time I'm trying not to cry right along with her. Sigh...I know this is just the start of the temper tantrums...I can only hope that they will get easier to manage with time. You can see the frustration written all over her little body. She gets so angry and just can't control her little self when she gets her mind set on something. Tonight it was something as simple as us telling her she was not to have a drink of my pop...it was nearing bedtime...and she completely lost it. I guess maybe we need to be more consistent in not allowing her to have bits and pieces of things we really do not want her to have. She doesn't understand that the caffeine would keep her and I up all night...she just knows that she wanted a drink. I just love that little wild tempered little girl to pieces, but I want her to be well mannered and such...but I hate having to be the bad guy...guess that is what a mom does though. Being a parent is hard work...I wouldn't trade it for the world, but man it is tiring. Working all day 5 days a week and then trying to cram in "mom time" every night when she is already tired and fussy is wearing on me. I knew going into this that I would work and honestly I never thought I would wish I didn't have to. But I do and I can't do anything about it, I must work. I know that Jason feels badly when I complain about wishing I could spend more time at home, but he can't do anything...he loves his job it just doesn't pay well. Now I know we could change our lifestyle, but I want my child to have everything I had and more growing up...and that requires us both to work. A job opportunity has come up that would allow me more time at home...I know in my heart I would be so much more happy if I accepted it, but I'm scared out of my mind to leave my secure job at the hospital. It would be a completely different train of thought, something I have NEVER done plus I've not touched a ped's pt. in over 5 years! I know I could do it with a lot of hard work...but I hate hate hate huge changes. I think my main fear is that I would not be good at working in the schools and would screw up someone elses child's education. I couldn't stand that. Some days I feel like I can't raise my own child right...how could I be responsible for someone elses child's educational success??? I need to make this decision very soon...but I'm too scared to even think about it...how silly is that. Sigh...I need to trust my gut...I know what I want, but I'm scared to take that step...
Okay I'm rambling like a fool now...I have so much more to write, but I think the Zyrtec is making me sleepy....I suddenly feel like I've had too much to drink and need to go to bed...so I think that is what I will do....:)