sigh..

***Just a word of warning, this is probably going to be a very whiny/complaining blog. Please don't be offended/put off by what I write, it's just been a long day.*** ***Mom be warned I'm venting about um...wanting another baby and such :)***




On to month #7...
I feel like I am broken. Like my body does not want to cooperate, like the timing is never just right, like we're doing something wrong. Sigh...I hate this. I don't like the anticipation that this might just be the month and then bam...wrong again. I was sure that this was the month, more so than in the previous 5 months, but I was wrong again. I think each passing month it gets more difficult to find "Aunt Flo" lurking at day 30. Jason doesn't get it. If he tells me one more time it will happen when it is supposed to happen I'm going to smack him...yes he has been warned, but keeps saying it anyways. I know 6 months is not a long time, the doc won't even talk to you until you have tried for over a year...but it doesn't make it any easier. It was so much easier with Mackenzie...we decided we wanted a baby and found out 2 weeks later we were expecting. I feel silly for complaining and whining because so many people try for so much longer and go through so much to have a child, but I'm impatient and selfish I guess. What if I have too much scar tissue from my c-section or somehow my innerds are scarred too badly from the surgery...I know that is not a rational thought, but I a dork and I'm finding myself making up reasons why we are not expecting another little one. I don't know what else to do...I know my body and my cycle like the back of my hand...nothing has changed, it is the same thing, the same day, every single cycle...it's just not working. Maybe I'm worrying too much, or thinking too much....haha now who would think I would do such a thing :) I've tried to just let things happen as they will, but I can do it. I am ready for a second baby NOW. Jason thinks I have lost my mind. I think this month was harder for me because it would have been so perfect to surprise our families at Christmas...yea I had it all planned out...I know it was stupid. Okay....I'm done talking about makin babies :)

Life here has been pretty quiet. We've had a rampid cold running wild through the house. Our only saving grace is that is has been short lived, but it has been passed around 2 times already and I noticed Jason was stuffy again tonight...oh how I love cold/flu season. I guess it is time to break out the Lysol :) I can't wait for Christmas. I think I get more excited about decorating, putting up the tree, and handing out gifts more and more each year. I can't wait to see Mackenzie's face when we get the tree up and lit. I think she is going to love it. She loves the lights she sees outside and loves the few decorations we have out around the house. I decorated her bedroom last night. Now it's nothing spectacular, just a small manger I had when I was little, a few festive stuffed animals, and the Christmas tree her Grandma made her...but she sat in the middle of her floor and just stared at the decorations. She loves the tree the best...she stood there staring at it again this evening and kept saying, "My twee, my twee!!!" I want to put up some ice icicle light in her window when I find out where I put them last year. I think she would love that. She dragged some multicolored light back to her room and wanted them up, but I didn't think that was the best idea....maybe when she is a bit older. Hopefully we will get our tree next weekend and then have it up by the first of the week. I dread putting all the lights on, but I love it once it is done. I think we will let Mackenzie decorate the bottom of the tree with her ornaments and the other non breakable ones. I've gotten all of my Christmas shopping done!!! Well, I guess I have one more small thing to buy, but other than that I am completely done!!! I can't wait to start wrapping :) I really love the Christmas season :)