Overwhelmed...

Sigh, I need to vent. These past 8 months have been a lot to take in. It's been exhausting, scary, frustrating, and down right draining. I feel silly for feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed. So many parents deal with so much more and I should be happy that for the most part Aubrey is okay, but okay is not what I want for my baby. I want to know what is wrong and how I can make it better. I'm so tired of going to specialist after specialist looking for answers only to hear "she looks good, but...". I'm tired of her being poked and prodded but no answers being found. We head back to Akron to see the neurologist and have more blood drawn for the microarray test for the geneticist tomorrow. Seeing the neurologist scares me. Even though her MRI was normal so many of her troubles point to a neurologic problem. From the low tone to the delay in integration of some reflexes to the fisting of her hands...so much looks like there is a neurologic base it scares me. Her therapists have some new concerns mainly due to the delay in her primitive reflexes integrating and her not using her hands like she should...one of the main reasons we are heading back to Akron. We added OT to her therapy regiment today. I'm happy to have the therapies to help, but the mom part of my brain just wants to pull her out and just let her be. The therapist in me knows better :). It seems like every time it looks like she is catching something happens and kind of slaps is in the face at how far behind she is in some ways. I had to fill out a Sensory Profile for her today after OT. I know the value of that tool, but filling it out for my kid sucked. She was also sent home with a sheet of things typical 8 month olds should be doing, I hate those things. I know she's behind but it put in perspective how far behind she is in some areas. I just want her to be "normal" for one thing but more delays seem to pop up every time she seems to be doing better. Sigh. We need a vacation from all things medical right now!!!