Sigh...

Just when I think I might start to feel a little better about my weight loss I have to stand in front of 3 mirrors in a stupid dress and realize I'm a big fat COW. I can't stand it. I can't believe that I have to wear that damn dress in front of hundreds of people in a little over 2 weeks. Blah..there goes my good mood. I would do anything to just be able to enjoy my sisters wedding, but that's not possible. I'm just praying that July 19th comes and goes quickly. I hate feeling like this, but the thought of standing in that dress where the public can see me absolutely makes me want to vomit. Sigh...I want this to be over...I really just want to sit in the pew and watch...oh what I would do to be able to do that. Bridesmaids days are done...I'm too old, I don't enjoy it, I feel awful, and it is just down right embarrassing. Thank god I'm good at smiling and pretending all is good...but the second the wedding is over I'm putting on a jacket and parking my butt in a chair...I think I will just spend my day tending to my kiddo...she's too little to notice much :) This whole thing is making me feel like crap...I've never been this upset with how I look...I'm not like that...I usually just take it as it comes...but I feel like my inability to get healthy is going to be on show in front of the whole world. I know it's not, but that is how I feel. I think I may have a panic attack before this is all over...I think this may cause me more anxiety than having a baby...and people saw WAY more of me then :) I guess all I really have to do it make it through the ceremony and then I can be invisible...I'm good at that. They won't really need me to do much after that...I can eat dinner and then find a comfy spot where no one will see my fatness!

Okay done with the fat talk..well at least for now.

I think I found an OB/GYN down in Columbus that I think I will make and appointment to go see. MedCentral does not allow a VBAC and I don't want to be forced into that again. I would be fine if that is what is needed, but I want the choice to avoid surgery if I can. The practice I found is all women doctors and they deliver in the new hospital in Dublin Ohio. It would be a far drive if I happened to be in active labor, but I think if we were aware we could easily drive 1 hour....hey my last labor was 27 hours with no baby...so I think we could do 1 hour. So we will see. I'm getting anxious to have a second little one...but I need to be at a healthy weight before we have another kiddo. I know my joints won't handle the weight of pregnancy along with all the extra weight I am carrying. My poor sciatic nerve would be acting up by the time I was 2m and I wouldn't be able to work...well maybe it's not such a bad idea...I could use an extended vacation :)

Well...I have so much more to write, but my foul mood it clouding what I want to say...so it will have to wait until my mood is better.